Dear Lisa32,
I know you are suffering.
It's grief Lisa, pure and simple, even though you don't recognise that fact, i assure it's true.
I know you are still of a mind that grief is something felt when death occurs, and death to you means an end to physical life.
You wouldn't believe me if i told you that sometime in the VERY near future, your understanding of so many things is about to burst open, expand like you wouldn't believe possible- but, that is a subject for another time, not now-
Now i want to talk about the feelings you are experiencing since the hysterectomy.
Can i ask you to just know that it was in fact, a life saving surgery?
It saved our life.
It gave our kids a mother for years longer than they would have had you without the surgery.
THAT is what you need to focus on now- that is where you need to direct your energy- the anger you feel about the stolen opportunities is misguided and misdirected.
It also misrepresents you- you are not an angry person.
To be blunt, the only opportunity you missed out on was the opportunity to die at 31 years old.
Its true Lisa, you will know this in time.
I think you know it now.
Basically, you have been given a second chance- two beautiful, healthy kids and a life time to share with them, to be their mother.
Without the surgery, you would have bled out- bled to death- with it, you are alive and i tell you from here, life is about to get better than you ever thought it possible.
I want to tell you that 'anger' is not an answer and to let you know, that soon, you will realise this basic truth and soon you will release it from your life for good.
From here, at Lisa45, there is no more anger, ever- only acceptance, but again, that is for another time.
For now ,know it is as it is meant to be and work towards getting happy again, enjoying Marc and the kids.
'A uterus does not a woman make'
as soon as you let yourself believe that, the pain will stop.
True
love to you, younger me
Lisa 45 xx
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A uterus does not a woman make...very true. We often get so tangled up in the "roles" and "definitions" of what makes us female we forget to remember what makes us "us".
ReplyDeleteThis is a very therapeutic type of writing, I think I may start in my personal writings, my journal, there are a few me's I need to talk to!
Breeze
In reading this I am telling myself the same things. I am soon going to have an operation where I will physically be disconnected from my fertile life. I don't know how I'll go emotionally. I know it is something I need to have done but my heart hasn't accepted it completely. Your poem has helped though. Thank you.
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